3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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