Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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