and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
