We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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