He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
