I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
