I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
