Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
