The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize