I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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