I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
