Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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