When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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