do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
