just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
