Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
