i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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