I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
