Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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