his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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