The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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