new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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