did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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