Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
