had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry about my life...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
