Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
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It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.