You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"