you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU