Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
