He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
