Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
