so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
