Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
