He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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