Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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