I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
