Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
