It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
