so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
