nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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