o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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