a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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