everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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