He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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