If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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