he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
