I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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