Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
