The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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