I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
