apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
