Having a random hookup so left but love u
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
