fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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