i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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