I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
