well I can't set my house on fire every night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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