Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
