y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just high enough for therapy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
