Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
