I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
