i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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