When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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